re: PRESSURE & GUILT

PRESSURE & GUILT.  If saying no makes you feel guilty - or if other people try to make you feel guilty when you do- you're not alone. But what can you do about it? A few things come to mind.

First, consider if you feel selfish. This is a tricky topic fraught with moral and emotional implications. It can be hard to find a balance between taking care of yourself and showing up for others, but it's important to remember that you can do both, even if there's no such thing as perfectly.

Choosing to prioritize your own needs and values when a decision impacts your time and energy is the very thing that allows you to show up best in your many roles, including for others!

You’re the only person who knows what’s best for you and you need to be the person who makes those things happen. It's your responsibility to take the best care of yourself that you can.

Reflection Questions:

1. What do I feel or believe about myself when I feel pressure from others?

2. What do I feel or believe about others when I feel pressure from them?

3. Do I know for sure that those feelings and beliefs are true and certain?

4. Is it possible there's another perspective?

HOW CAN I HOLD BOUNDARIES WHEN PEOPLE RESPOND WITH PRESSURE AND I FEEL GUILT?

If that question resonates with you, read on for some actionable answers.

TAKE ACTION STRATEGY:

1. You really need to know WHY your new way of doing things is important to you. If you don't, you'll never stick with it. This means: You need to know that what you are choosing matters so much that it's okay if other people are disappointed. 

I know this is uncomfortable, but you are responsible for your whole life.

2.  In advance, plan  a “pocket response” you can use when you don't know what else to say.  Do you need some ideas for your situation? Reply to this email or DM me.

3. If you want to respond with more than a surface answer, because the relationship or situation calls for it, try this: Consider what's behind their comment to or request of you. 

“I really wish you would come. Won't you try to be there?”- It feels like guilt and pressure but it might be based on routine, previous norms, desire for connection, etc.

4. Sandwich your response. (1-empathy/understanding, 2-truth, 3-positive) “I love it when I can join with the group. I won't be able to this time. Thanks for checking in!”

“I appreciate that you value my opinion. I'm not able to take that on right now. Maybe (another person/resource) could help?"

5. THE BACKUP PLAN! If you're feeling pressured and really don't know what to say or the above doesn't work, DELAY! 

 "I'll check with my partner/ calendar/ kid plans and get back with you tomorrow. (and then make sure you do!)

I know this can be easier said than done. 

Do you have a tough situation you don't know how to handle? Maybe a business or personal consultation session would be a good fit for you. My clients are often surprised at how much we can uncover and make progress on in an hour! 

And if you're not certain but are curious, send me an email with an overview of your situation and I'll respond honestly, either 1) with my level of confidence in being able to help you and how, or 2) with resources outside of myself if I think that's what would help you more. 

We're in this together.